Get Me Off This Roller Coaster

Life is amazing, you think you are meant for something and then without warning... everything changes. Just when you thought that you have found your purpose, some unforseen event happens and you are forced to look down a new path and sometimes what may seem tragic at first ends up working out all peachy. I have gone through a million and a half emotions over the past eight months of my life ranging from happy to extreme sadness and the last emotion after my divorce I ever thought I would feel again was that knot you get in your stomach everytime you are near a certain person, when you get all shaky and pale from your nerves, the feeling that nothing else matters in life as long as this person is near you.... thats right I'm talking about love. I would like to elaborate a bit on this. I have had a particular friend for a couple of years whom I have always had a really nice bond with and who has been through a lot with me and like a close friend, we would have tension from time to time but in the end she has always been there for me. A few months back while I was getting my head together after my divorce I realized that she meant much more to me then I could have ever imagined and I found myself acting funny around her and then like a runaway train it had hit me, I had completely and undeniably fallen head over heels for her. At first I fought it because I thought that maybe I was rebounding and did not know what I really wanted so I basically touched on possibilities with her but really did not push it and in the end there I let it go. Now many months later I still have not changed I know with the clearest of heads that I am totally in love, I can't deny it and I know how I feel around her... its scary to me.
Tonight I hung out with her and a few others and when the small group parted ways I was walking with her to the subway station and as we were talking I did it... I completely opened up. Now she is no fool and more or less knows how I feel but we just never talked about it. I will spare boring details of the conversation but when it hit a certain point I just felt it in me and I knew if I did'nt open up now I will regret it for the rest of my life. The conversation got to the point where she asked me what I wanted out of life "non-career related" and I was burning inside to blurt out "YOU" but I stood down, I told her I did'nt wanna answer her for obvious reasons and make her uncomfortable... but she knew and would'nt back down. In an unconscious moment I blurted it out, I just flat out said it all. Now here comes the big "unfortunately" because I gotta say..... THUMBS DOWN. No dice, it did'nt happen and now I feel like a total loser. I totally know why she wanted me to say it and shes right, I had to get it out because it was killing me inside and I know she did what was best for me... it had to be done. Now I have to live with a loss that never was and its kinda wierd because I still wannna hold hope for this, I'm stubborn that way. The best I can do is remain close friends because theres nothing in the world that could replace that and I would be a fool to lose a freindship with someone like that, shes amazing... period, and I guess thats why I am such a hopeless case. Anyway I have to admit this whole thing not working out the way I wanted to is pretty devastating, I'm not gonna lie to you.... it sucks. I will always continue to maintain a close friendship with her and all I can do is just hope one day it happens because deep down there is NOTHING that would make me more happy. Either way its good to have found what I was looking for in life and at least I did say something rather then keep it to myself and live my whole life wondering what might have been if I did not open my mouth.